3 O'Clock in the Morning
June 25, 2008 At 3 0'clock in the morning the whole world is an broken old shoe. At 3 o'clock in the morning all your regrets sit quietly at the foot of your bed. At 3 o'clock in the morning all your old loves come to visit, your losses whisper their names, your youth skips stones from the other side of the river, all of it a peculiar madness cloaked in a seemingly ordinary sanity.
There is no ritual to rescue me from the existential emptiness that yawns like a cavern in the middle of this night, no incantation, no prayer that will suffice. I am Jonah in the belly of the whale, Jeremiah weeping at the bottom of the well, Saul searching for a boy David to sing a lullaby. I am a valley of dry bones.
I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. There was a time when I had the answers. I could explain biblical doctrines of ridiculous complexity with clarity and ease. I knew what the questions were. I knew where in the bible to find the answers to those questions. I was saved. I could tell others how to get saved. We could say the prayer, together, you and I . Then you could be saved. The deal would then be done, the bargain struck, the contract signed, the ticket punched. Then all you had to do was go to a bible-believing church every Sunday, read your bible every day, pray every day, study to show yourself a workman approved, always be ready with an answer for your faith, not cause a brother to stumble, know your mission field, say "here am I, Lord, choose me." Tonight? Now? In the compelling quiet of our little home, with the Resident Love Goddess sleeping so wonderfully and peacefully a few feet away? Well, let me tell you, I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing, I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about anymore. I've got nothing except that woman I love so much, and two red cats, and this broken old shoe and Jesus, somehow mixed up in it all.
I think about the same things all the time now. I think about preaching. I think about starting a church. I think about God, and Jesus, and the Holiness of Spirit, and about the pains and hurts and loneliness and lies and busted up hearts and lives that are all around, every day, and about how I just want us to put one in the hand of the Others and see what happens. I've stopped telling people about this in real life because they inevitably insist that I am doing exactly that and, while they're speaking, there's a voice in my head that wonders if it might not be better to just shoot myself in the foot with a nail gun, over and over again, rather than to try and explain what empty is, just one more time. The only thing I can do now with hurting people is talk pretty about Jesus, offering just enough information to suggest that maybe they ought to talk to him and not me, because I'm a truckload of destitute on the road to nowhere in particular. Sometimes folks here ask me to pray for them, and sometimes we pray together, an exercise in plumbing the depths of inner desolation that always ends with the same three words: God help me. Those with whom I bend the metaphorical knee seem grateful and comforted by this, and I have no explanation for that, either.
And so, here I am Lord. And it's 3 o'clock in the morning - again - and, well... damn.
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Reader Comments (41)
LOve to yOu
let it be...
McCartney said he had the idea of "Let It Be", after a dream he had about his mother during the tense period surrounding the Get Back/Let It Be sessions. McCartney explained that his mother—who died of cancer when McCartney was fourteen—was the inspiration for the "Mother Mary" lyric.[1][2] McCartney later said, "It was great to visit with her again. I felt very blessed to have that dream. So that got me writing 'Let It Be'."[3][4] He also said—in a later interview about the dream—that his mother had told him, "It will be alright, just let it be."[5]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oZYqAeIdYk
Joanee - Sounds like you and nancy are saying the same thing... Over the years I've learned that a lot of things we've been taught just don't work in real life. So, like you said, we just keep walking, keep on keepin' on.
LOVE LIKE HIM,
G.B.U.
Michael <>< <>< <><
ps. I finally read Sara Miles. Peeled off a few more layers of the onion :)
I'm profoundly sorry to discover I'm not alone in this feeling. Because it's just horrible.
I hope you find your way out.
I hope we both do.
wilsonian - Sara Miles pretty much rocked my world.
Jer.29:11
~ I am climbing down from the soapbox now...
love and peace in Christ
MistiPearl
Three o'clock in the morning! Is that the time of the morning when God called to Samuel?
Blessings
I think walking through the empty, dry times is absolutely necessary. In my case, I think I've had my illusions and misconceptions slowly stripped away over the last five years or so. Joanee touched on it in her comment - things don't always work out the way we've been taught. Claiming things in Jesus' name, believing for a miracle, that right always triumphs over wrong, that truth always wins out... in the real world it doesn't always work like that. On a whole 'nother level, I think we've been taught to 'feel' a certain way about our faith. We've been taught to feel the 'power' rushing over us when we pray, taught to feel God being close and real, taught in ways that are overt and very, very subtle. (Often, it isn't 'taught' - we just buy into the group think about it) Yet the psalms - for one - paint a very different picture of what a life of faith is like, and mostly it's not pretty. Jonah is a prophet of God - who turned an entire kingdom from their sins - but none of us want to imitate him - he was a mess from the word go - bitter, angry, resentful. I think that - sometimes, if not often - feeling like this is what faith is - that is, that we feel like this and continue on in Christ just the same. Wilsonian is right - it's a great place to be when we have no option but to trust God, trust him completely, trust him absolutely, not just when we feel like a complete fraud, but because we do. If nothing else it means we're ready for Him to fill us with the truth - his truth, not the manufactured, Christian-culture variety that sounds so good but ends up, well, ends up leaving us feeling like this.
And no, I don't love feeling like this either, but I'm not wounded, I'm not in pain, fear or anguish. I'm ready - so ready - for what God has next and I know we can't accept God's new thing until we're ready to let go of the old things.
If you're a writer, keep writing. If you're a writer you must write. You must write the truth, in all it's awful, wonderful, beautiful, terrifying, heart-breaking, belly-laughing wonder, and you must be true to yourself in the process. I don't know what it's like for musicians and painters and sculpters but, if you're a writer, you must write the truth that only you know. Otherwise, how will God reach you?
http://checkedreality.tumblr.com/post/35907152/the-prayer-of-the-forsaken
When I reluctantly discovered that I was a believer, I did have an exhilarating experience that stemmed from the relief I felt once I truly realized that there was more to life than what is seen. The path that led me to that moment was strewn with those 3 a.m. wakings. I still have them of course but now I remember, sometimes vividly and sometimes faintly, that there is more to this than this.
Karen - I'm surprised there are so many of us...
Mich - 'the soul's midnight' - that's a great line. I may have to steal that :^)
this is off the subject...
mission
1598, originally of Jesuits sending members abroad, from L. missionem (nom. missio) "act of sending," from mittere "to send," oldest form probably *smittere, of unknown origin.
i was wondering about the word mission, and how places got to be called missions.
i thought it was interesting enough to share.
Out of curiousity, have you ever read Time's article on Mother Theresa's own struggles with feelings of emptiness and desolation? It's six pages, but I think they're worth it.
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html
Anna - I haven't, but I will.
Robert - I'm not sure I understand the question, but let me say this: On the cross the only pain sufficient to make Jesus cry out in anguish was the pain of being separated from his father. The crucifixion itself warrants only one comment from Jesus, "I thirst". Matthew tells us, however, that Christ cried out in a loud voice "...why have you forsaken me." The physical pain of his tortured death paled in comparison, it seems, to the feeling of being abandoned by his father.
I'm certainly no psychologist, and may be talking out of my hat here, but I suspect that in any relationship feelings are always the bottom line. If not, what else is there?
Maybe. But maybe the bottom line is really the actions we choose to take, for the sake of the other person, for the sake of the relationship, regardless of how we feel about it?
Everything comes down to an emotion. Ask yourself 'why' until you run out of answers. You will always arrive at 'because i want to feel..." Always. I want a larger house. Why? Because we need room for the kids and the spouse wants a workshop and I want a garden. Why do you want a garden? Because I derive a great deal of pleasure from gardening, because it makes me content to have a lovely lawn, because I want to enjoy summer cocktails on the patio, etc., etc. Try this with anyone - whenever you hear an "I want..." statement ask why. Keep asking why and you will very quickly arrive at an "I just want to feel..." kind of statment. Without fail, it always, always, always comes down to what we feel.