I'm Still Living My Best Life Now
May 12, 2007 This has been a week of immense emotional struggles.
We attended a funeral on Wednesday and a Memorial Service today. Tough sledding, that. I had only just started working with one of our young people and he gets arrested the next day. I've been recruiting volunteers from the community we serve and one of the guys has been dating two of the clients. His two-timing was discovered (duh) and I had one of the women howling and sobbing in my office. I had to take steps to protect a 12 year old child from an predator in our dining room. His sister - who is a volunteer - went ballistic on me, as did the predator's new girlfriend, who also has a young child. The sister of the predator, convinced he is innocent, wailed, "How can you talk about God and do this? Where is God in this?" There was also the drunk guy who showed up with a 2 liter bottle of rum and coke, bellowing and calling everyone who crossed his path out for a fight. All this is in addition to the usual tide of humanity we deal with, and all their myriad and immediate needs. It's two hours of madness each night. I know, it's only two hours, but it's draining. You have no idea how draining.
Tonight I received a phone call at home from one of our volunteers, who was involved in an altercation with another volunteer, and is now being charged with assault. They were off duty and off property, but still... Another mess to deal with. I mean, holy flying ape shit, Batman - enough is enough.
I was telling the Resident Love Goddess today that I understand why nobody wants any part of this kind of ministry. I understand why nobody wants to create a street church downtown. I understand why all those rock star pastors start all those rock star post-modern churches with hip folks who get their vibe. Seriously, do you want this crap in your church? Who wants to deal with this? And you know, there's not much to show for it. Nobody ever gets "saved" - nor even shows any signs of moving in that direction. It's not that there's no notches to put on my belt, it's that there's no sense of reward, no feeling that we're making progress, no sense that the tide has turned or that a new day might - sometime in the next ten year or so - finally arrive. It just never ends. I'm way past, "Okay, God - what are you saying?" The question now is, "What the... ?"
Okay.... deep breath.... so Satan is pushing back. Then - all drama aside - this is where I must stand, this is where I must hold. And I didn't realize that until two men - who were already in my life and whom I already have a great deal of respect for - showed up at the public meals program. One told me that I was - all appearances to the contrary - making a real difference in people's lives. The second told me that he sees me as someone who sows and sows and sows - is constantly sowing, who loves to sow - and although I may never see the harvest this side of glory, there will be a harvest. There's also three homeless guys who come in every night and sit together. Every night this week I've made a point of talking to them - just saying hello, just touching base. Every night they stopped on the way out the door and complimented me on dinner. One of the guys - the third messenger, I believe - has thanked me each night for the "fellowship". That's the word he used - "fellowship". Thursday night he thanked me and said, "The fellowship works." I can't get him off my mind. Fellowship with the homeless guys, fellowship with the least of these. Maybe he's a homeless guy. Maybe he's Jesus. I can't tell the difference anymore. I'm pretty sure I've been seeing him around town for a couple of years but, who can say? I just know that I keep seeing him in my head, standing there and saying, "The fellowship works."
So Satan is pushing back and God is saying "Stand!". Yup, got that, Lord.
Monday is going to be the start of an interesting week.
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Reader Comments (15)
this is so real, your writing is so honest, it is church that you have going on there, rwk. messy, filthy, down in the dirt church.
and you are in the midst of it.
Hallelujah
But do take time for yourself to fill the tank - you cannot go on giving selflessly without tanking up on God - savour the colours and the light - whatever it is your soul really needs!
I've been learning this the hard way - but learning I am :)
blessings and hugs!
'Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.'
Maybe some LC at full blast to remind you... and distract you, and encourage you...
You may already have this in place, so if you do please add me to it. I would be honored to pray for the amazing work you are doing.
I have searched the internet to find out if this story I heard is true, and I can't seem to find it anywhere. But I heard that there is a type of bamboo that needs watering for years (I remember it being 4 years, but I can't seem to verify that) and it never grows - nothing, nadda - and then over this short period it grows like wildfire.
I always remembered that while doing youth ministry - I would think that the work you are doing might feel even less rewarding sometimes. Sow, sow, sow - it is a thankless job, because I really think that you're having to bust up the dirt too and that is back breaking work.
Please know if there is a list or not, I am/will be/keep praying.
Feeling blessed on both sides of the relationship........it's an amazing feeling.
You may not see the harvest, but you are truly planting the seeds. They will never forget your kindness and non-judgement.
Don't you find sometimes that you are living the stories in the Bible? These wounded individuals walk the stories right into your life.
thank you for sharing your feelings and stories. They are uplifting and REAL.
I want to run a rescue shop within the yards of hell.
CT Studd
myspace.com/brendasjourney
you and I think the same, except my passion is strippers, trust me, the church people don't exactly want to hang out with them either, but I DO!!!
This reminds me of when I worked full time in a homeless shelter and would get so involved and things would get so crazy and suddenly I couldn't cope well anymore and a good cry and meltdown would take place. Then lo and behold God would speak peace to my heart and I would get up and go again. The shelter I work in now is not so intense in the same way but if I was here more I am sure that I would get those melt down times as well. We NEED GOD!! One fellow who worked in the brother shelter to mine used to say that we had a breakdown every 3 months. He may have been right! :-)But I like the fact that I would get reminded that I NEEDED GOD!