Senseless Grace

A tiny, wisp of a woman has been visiting our public meals program. We know her well, and know that she alternates months of intoxication with several weeks of sobriety. She's in a sober phase right now, and is a dear, sweet, gentle soul. When she's drinking, however, she's very, very difficult to deal with. Tonight, as she was leaving, she spoke with me for a few moments. We talked about a mutual friend who is ill, and she said she would pray for our friend. She said that she spoke to Jesus all the time, even when she was drinking. She told me that she knew he was the only person who could keep her safe. Someone asked her if she took Jesus into the bar with her and she replied, "Is that how you think it is? Oh no, I don't even talk about Jesus in the bar - I have too much respect for him to do that."

Another woman, much younger, approached me at dinner tonight. She's been having dinner with us for the past few weeks and I've been steering well clear of her. She visited our meals program in the past and would stand at the kitchen door and scream obscenities at me, demanding her meal, demanding whatever came into her head. I've been carrying a boatload of resentment towards her - for a long time. Last night I spoke for a few minutes at the Million Dollar Church in our city about our public meals program. She was there, although I had no idea. She approached me tonight and told me that some of the stuff I said meant a lot to her. She said that she was an alcoholic and crack addict for years, but that she had been clean and sober for the last seven months and had been cigarette free for the last six. She said, "If it wasn't for God I wouldn't have been able to do it."

There's a lot to be said about the choices we exercise in our lives. The only thing we can ever truly own are the decisions we make. But there's something deeper here, a mystery that I'm sensing but can't quite see yet, can't discern, don't yet understand. There might not be anything to this at all, but I'm seeing an image form of a path, the idea that our lives are not so much a series of choices we make, but a path we are on, a path that is as much chosen for us as it is by us. Time and time again I see people for whom "wrong" choices are a way of life and yet, there Jesus is, walking with them through it all. And there He is, speaking to me through the one and only person in the entire room for whom I feel resentment and anger, engaging me in His transformative power and senselessly beautiful grace despite the sinful state of my own heart, and because of the sinful state of my heart, and I can only stand in awe and wonder and love Him all the more.

Comments

[dudehead]

You listen for Him well. Thanks for telling us what He tells you.

Have you seen the movie "Entertaining Angels: The Dorothy Day Story?" We watched it a few weeks ago. I was moved by (attracted to?) Peter Maurin.

It may sound strange, but some day I hope to meet you.

goodnight

[Robert]

Amazes me how Jesus does walk with us even in the midst of sinful choices and wrong decisions mystery is a wonderful thing His love grace power and mercy never cease to make my jaw drop!!!

[Urbanmonk]

You know, for a number of years i thought being close to Jesus was about how together my life was. All thats unravelled now. I struggle to reconcile how we can be closer to him in the midst of our struggles with our addictions and wounds, than with the sanitisation that occurs when we get "involved" in church.

[lorna]

love this - and urbanmonk - you've hit the nail on the head. thanks!

[HeyJules]

I was supposed to get sanitized when I joined my church? ;-)

Lovely post, RWK. I'm a "grace" girl at heart so it was nothing new to hear you tell of how He drops the "G bomb" where you would least expect it - but I do so love to read what you write, regardless.

[[rhymes with kerouac]]

dudehead - And so we shall meet - here, there or in the air... so we shall.

Robert - Nor mine, either!

Urbanmonk - Oddly enought, I think He is in the struggle...

Lorna - Urbanmonk has a habit of doing that!

HeyJules - The "G bomb". Oh my, I'm killing myself over here!!!! Thanks for adding that to my vocabulary!

[Heidi Renee]

That old William Cowper hymn came to mind as I read your words - God moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform - I just love the trickster in him, Don't you?

It's beautiful to hear of how he never leaves or forsakes these dear souls. By seeing him in the lives of them I am reminded how very close to me he must be too, how soon I forget.

Thank you for your words.

[Brian Buriff]

I'm sensing that the first woman did not fully understand what you meant by your question about taking Jesus into the bar?

Jesus does not want to be compartmentalized only into the "respectable" part of our lives; rather I believe He wants to be fully integrated into our WHOLE lives - good, bad, ugly. Your presence and ministry communicates this vital truth each and every day.

[[rhymes with kerouac]]

Heidi Renee - He constantly amazes me, too.

Brian - Actually, I didn't ask her the question - she was relating that someone else had asked her. The gist of it was that if she called herself a Christian that she shouldn't be in the bar - that she sullied Christ by being there. Her response was indicating that didn't, as you say, compartmentalize Christ in her life.

[Barbara]

As always, a great post...for some reason this stuck out to me;


There might not be anything to this at all, but I'm seeing an image form of a path, the idea that our lives are not so much a series of choices we make, but a path we are on, a path that is as much chosen for us as it is by us.

[Larry]

When God brought me back to himself, one of the decisions I made was to have nothing further to do with "should." I'd played that game. If God was real he'd be able to tell me what he wanted to do.

Shortly after that decision I was eating Thai food with a friend. At the end of lunch I opened my fortune cookie and read "Be prepared for the truth." My friend looked at me and said "I wish God would be that direct with me." We laughed.

Since then, "should" has been replaced with "must." As in, "do this or die." Desperation is an effective push to the new path. Along with that, though, is the call I hear in God's voice. I expect judgment but it has never happened, and gradually I cower less when hearing God.

The point is that Jesus is always walking with us to the extent we allow Him to. No matter where you go, he was there first. One of the reasons I turned around was that I could look back over the years during which I denied him, and still see His hand guiding events so that I wouldn't die or kill myself.

[[rhymes with kerouac]]

Barbara - That's kind of stuck in my head, too.

Larry - "Called me back to himself" is a great expression. That's my story, too.

[reneegrace]

I cam over from Tonia's and Intent.

Thank you for your transparency and sharing God's love through us imperfect peoples!!! Its not only refreshing (lovely) but challenging and convicting...