Exile on Main Street
November 18, 2007 Note: This is a ridiculously long post. It's more than a little self-indulgent and if you have the time and patience to wade through it all, well, my hat's off to you.
The Mission van broke down today - one of those phone calls you don't love to get on a Sunday morning. I dropped the Resident Love Goddess off at church and then drove across town to rescue the beast. Of course, it wouldn't behave for me either, so I called the tow truck and followed it across town to the dealer. About 20 after twelve I arrived back at church to pick up aforementioned Resident Love Goddess.
The whole time I was out and about I was not just conscious of missing church, but was timing the service. Okay, we've finished announcements. Now the band is singing. The sermon just started, and so on. I parked across the street as the service was coming to a close and watched the people milling about before getting in their cars and driving away. I didn't want to go in, mostly because I wasn't dressed for it, which was something to think about while I was sitting there. We like to think that clothing doesn't matter at church, and we say it doesn't, but it does.
Here's the thing: when I woke up this morning, going to church was the last thing I wanted to do. What I wanted was to go out for a late breakfast with the RLG, then maybe come home and put on a pot of coffee and some tunes on the stereo, curl up on the couch under a blanket and read. But even though going to church was the last thing I wanted to do, missing it still made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't feel guilty, just... well... I don't know, exactly. I'm not sure what I was feeling, but the longer I tried to figure it out, the more I wondered just how much of who I am - as a person, as a Christian - is tied up in church, and how much is tied up in, you know, Jesus. What would this life of faith look like if there wasn't a big building to go to with a whole bunch of other people who look and act and sound just like me? I'm thinking that a large part of who we are as Christians is determined by what church we go to, and what level of involvement we have there. We are - and excuse me if I'm just figuring this out now - asking an organization or a pastor to be responsible for the administration of our spiritual growth and, frankly, aren't we just putting another layer of interference between us and God? What happens when that pastor turns out to be merely human? What happens when that church can't meet our every need? I could go on and on, and have gone on and on about this, but I just really wish there was a different way of doing church.
I came home from the Cultivate Gathering last night filled with hope, reassurance and despair. Hope, because God is definitely doing something, although it's largely under the radar of the mainstream church (a statement that ought to give every church leader pause - or at least, it would, if they had been at the gathering, and gotten a sense of the magnitude and meaning of what God is doing, but they weren't because, um, what God is doing isn't on their radar).
Ahem. Yes, well... Let me give you an example. Yesterday at the conference we began by praying in small groups, seated in chairs and couches around tables in the Freeway Cafe. This was followed by a time of silent prayer and mediation - the entire process lasted about 15 minutes, which feels a lot longer than it sounds. I have yet - in my entire life - to experience anything like that in a Sunday morning church service; prayer is something we listen to someone else do. God has apparently forbidden that we just, you know, pray. The difference between the two world-views - or church-views, if you will - couldn't have been more clear, and that was in the first few minutes. In this I found hope, for I realized that another world is possible.
I was also filled with reassurance because, once more, I realized that the struggles I have with church isn't just me; it's not a 'problem' of mine, I'm not rebellious and I'm not alone in feeling this way. Yesterday I sat and talked at length with a number of mature, faith-filled Christians who have simply walked away from church altogether; one said that he left church and found God, a statement I would have found incomprehensible a five years ago. Amidst all of this I was filled with despair as well, largely because I realized, once more, there's no way to save church as we know it - at least not for me. I've struggled with church my entire adult life and this time? I'm pretty much done. Again.
So now I'm trying to figure out how I got here - what was the chain of events that took me from being a reasonably abnormal church going, WOW Worship buying, bible-study leading church membership guy to, well, this deeply dissatisfied person who is very much on the outside looking in. Frankly, it began shortly after I started working at the Mission, when I began to experience God in profoundly personal ways amongst the homeless, the drunks and the drug addicts. It began when I started seeing a huge disconnect between what we did on Sunday morning - being all about God - and what I did on Monday morning, which was entirely of and through and in God. Looking back on it now, I realize that once I found God I almost immediately lost my interest in church, an equation that continues to puzzle me on many levels.
I don't know where we go from here. A picture of what it is I'm looking for has been developing rather rapidly of late, and I am now certain that I'm going to have to create it. I have no idea how that works, except that I can't do it alone, and that I am soooo ready to find out. I have no clue what to do next, but then, maybe being clueless is what this is really all about. Maybe not knowing what to do next means depending entirely on Him, every step of the way. Maybe that's the problem with our happy little church in the suburbs - that we're not helpless. Maybe the problem all along has been that we're not in a place where we really and truly need Him and that, brothers and sisters, might be the very thing we must walk away from.
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Reader Comments (24)
BTW, have you heard the song "On A Corner in Memphis"? Every time I hear it I think of you.
I stopped attending the Sunday morning thing almost two months ago.
I pray over That Which Comes Next for you, RWK (that's what I call it for myself... lol).
I could not have said, or wrote, it better myself. A very close friend and I meet regularly for lunch. In our most recent discussions, we shared our desires to do something "different" than what we both are involved in now (which is organized church work). Yet, we also lamented that our own sinful natures keep us in bondage to the comfortable and the safe--for if we were to do what we were talking about, all that is comfortable and known would be given up for what's not comfortable and unknown. I think both of us realize that we aren't truly finding God in the places we work--though good things are happening. Rather, we struggle because neither of us feels that we were "made" to do what we're doing, and we both see the gaping holes in the institutional, static church.
Know you are not alone. There are many of us out here. It's just that we're often hidden from one another out of fear for what others might say.
Thanks for speaking up.
I hated the process of deconstruction in my own journey, but I had to kick at the walls myself and tear down all of the things I didn't believe in anymore to begin to find the things that I did still believe in.
I'm reconstructing now. It's not any easier, but a bit more hopeful. I can't wait to see what you build RWK - what you have done so far looks so much to me like church anything on top of that will really be beautiful.
Wow. You speak for so many of us. This was not a long read, it was great, every word resonated. You ARE a part of "The Church" in such a huge way. We all are if we are Christians. And no building or service is needed, but for some its helpful.
Oh, and may God bless the church folks too. I wish them no ill. Many are doing the best they can with the light they have.
it seems to me you've *been doing church* by how you lead your life and perhaps you are being called out of your comfort zone to do something new. i was just listening to a very good sermon on my way home from work about "hearing the call of God" in your life for ministry...keep your ear up against that glass, rwk, and listen deeply to what He is saying through the muffled noises.
also, remember your post about the big glitzy church and i said i was going to send your thread to "someone there who matters" (*even though i knew it was you*) -- i did. i sent it to someone there under their web link "contact us" -- the whole thang. guess what they said in reply?
nothing.
can't hear God in the muffled noise if the muffle is not even being made in a place where it should be resounding: what a shame because the muffle should be likened to the seraphim and cherubim circling around the altar of God and singing Holy, Holy, Holy.
(not even a perfunctory, "we received your email and will get back to you" in reply. just sayin' is all.)
i've gone on long enough. peace.
amber - Nope. Haven't heard the song, but I googled (is that even a word?) the lyrics and rather liked them.
Dustin - "the comfortable and safe". That's the thing, isn't it. I'm not sure the desire for those things is a sin, though... I'll have to think through that a bit more. In any event, the phrase, "institutional, static church" caught my eye - I've been trying to find the words to describe what I'm thinking and I think static vs. fluid or dynamic might be it. (Again, more thinking to do. sigh)
HeidiRenee - What does that reconstruction look like for you?
Barbara - Some people do need church, and are quite content with it, and have it fill a need in their life. And I'm okay with that - it just isn't me anymore.
Joanee - Okay, when have I ever yelled at you? Okay then, when have I ever yelled at you *lately*. Okay, never mind :)
Okay, here goes:
1-) Agreed. Absolutely correct.
2-) About meeting the church's needs... I'm really not sure about that.
3-) Some leaders do have God very much on their radar. Agreed. The thing I've seen, though, is that their radar screen is far too cluttered with all this other stuff - politics, for one - that they have a hard time just being themselves. That's a criticism of church politics an not of pastors.
4-) You'd be surprised. That's what I heard over and over again at the Cultivate conference - and at the last one I attended, too. Over and over.
5-) I may be one of them.
6-) About 30 seconds.
7-)Then they figured out who he was and killed him. (I'm just sayin' that's all)
I couldn't agree more about praying for our pastors and boards and teachers and churches. We can't pray enough. We don't pray enough.
dsheff - I don't wish the good folks at our church any ill, either. Tonight I was picked to host a prayer meeting at our church. One person showed up. We prayed for almost an hour. She prayed with a warmth and love for the folks in our church - I couldn't believe it. It was really quite humbling.
m2 - I'm quite sure I'm being called out of my comfort zone (not that there's much of that zone left). My real struggle now is to not become bitter and to recognize that God loves all of us - messed up as we are - and that we're all messed up in one way or another. Church might be just one more of those ways. I have no problem relating to a drug addict or a homeless, reeking, filthy man, but the nice suburban Christian family at the nice suburban church I have trouble with. Now... is that their problem or mine?
I have so far to go...
***I have no problem relating to a drug addict or a homeless, reeking, filthy man, but the nice suburban Christian family at the nice suburban church I have trouble with. Now... is that their problem or mine?***
i have had a blog post ready to be published for some time now and have chickened out because i had issues between two of my patience i was caring for in the hospital - one girl was nice enough, but laid on her call bell to have me at her every whim (remember: i was being zapped for the last two weeks) and the other, just came out of denial over her HIV+'ness and was learning what she needed to do for her newborn and how much support was out there to help her with her family.
now which one do you think i had the biggest issue with? and which gal do you think the nurses had the harder time taking care of?
and which one gave me a hug good-bye and whispered thank you?
who would i rather sit next to in church?
r, i am right next to you, bro, in that broken walk. we have far to go, but we can sojourn together...
but, i think that God wants me to put everyone into the same boat.
to put it into more words... to think of everyone the same, and love everyone the same. and as for me, i am to Love God and Love others. now exactly where that puts me is where you have come to...in need of God...just like everyone else.
You're on a journey, discovering what the church really is. It's not the gathering on Sunday, it's people who love Jesus, love each other, and do life together. I'm on the same kind of journey.
I left "traditional" church about a year and a half ago.
My church is the guys I meet with on the street every week, we spend time together, have a meal together.
My church are some friends, Christ followers I meet every Tuesday night for prayer. They are all church planters (simple churches). Together, we might lead fifty people, but we're creating connections and building relationships with people on the streets, at a Wal Mart in Fort Worth, and among Cuban refugees and these are people I love passionately.
My church is another group that I get together with a couple of times a week. Most of us are involved in ministry to the homeless. We love Jesus and each other. We spend time thinking and reflecting on Jesus, on scripture and a lot of time in prayer.
I can't say I have a Pastor, but I have several brothers and sisters in Christ who I am accountable too. They know my stuff, far more of it than anyone in any traditional church ever knew. I know theres as well.
I'm still on a journey. But I am becoming far more focused on the Acts 2:46 passage about the church, "So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladnesss and simplicity of heart,..
RWK, you're in a time of divine frustration. You know things should be different, but they aren't. God will show you what you are to do.
The important think is not to be bitter at the traditional model of church. God loves them. He may get frustrated with them too, but they are part of his beautiful bride.
The truth is that you have come to the point where you are, because God has built in in you or revealed it to you. You didn't come to this place by yourself. So you have to let God lead them as well. Some of those pastors may step out on the same kind of journey, some already have. But that's God's business. Just follow Jesus and let Jesus take care of the church.
John - You have no idea how much I needed to hear you say that. Thank you, brother.
The only trouble is that when someone asks, 'Do you go to church?' it takes so long to explain that I just say 'No, why do you ask?'
Loving this thread.
Our way of church at one point was controversial. Ages have gone by and change is coming.God doesnt stand still and church wont either. church is the people. The bible is our guide. I dont see 1 hour Sunday morning anywhere in our guide. This comfortable way of life is ending. The signs are all around us. THere will be no place for the traditional church to meet.Prepare for a different way!
God made us creative. Do and go where God leads.
My thoughts
Blessings
i can see many things wrong in the organized denominations and i can see many things wrong with life. however, we must have faith, hope and Love. and we must follow what God wants for us to do where ever we are.
we can not hold onto discouragement or frustration but, must move forward in love.
God will guide us if we place our trust in Him. Continue to Love and let go of the things that are wrong. Hold on to God's truth, hold on to the faith that will not fail you. Have love for everyone and everything.
The Holy Spirit is changing each of us, and the Body of Christ is being changed in God's will. We do not see all the changes on the surface yet, but, it is happening and will continue to change. changes are being made from the inside out with the Spirit of God in His people. With you, with me. God is moving in us and through us. Through out the Body.
We are the church, you are the church. What every one needs and what we all are looking for is living within us. Living....in...us. There are many ways to come together. many ways.